Pocket full of dreams

So when I was sitting at the local mental health center yesterday I had a hot girl sitting there blatantly eye fucking me which was great for my self esteem, I really enjoy it when a hot girl sits there and eyes me up like a piece of meat. But, there is always a but, and this one is kind of a biggie think about where I was at when this happened. God knows I have a hard enough time to maintain a healthy relationship all on my own so lets just start trying to pick up other crazies at a MENTAL HEALTH CENTER. As funny of a story as it might have been sometimes a passing thought about it is the right way to go. Trying to pick up chicks at a mental health clinic is one small step above going to hang out at an incest survivor groups with a pocket full of rubbers.

But Jay, your the mechanically inclined one

That is such a fuckin cop out the only reason that statement holds any weight is much like everything else about my life. I do things to occupy my time and to amuse me nothing more, it's why I read books constantly, jack off, watch movies, watch cnn, creep around people blogs. Jesus, everything is done with one of two thoughts in mind. Making myself more well rounded, it makes other people want to learn more about the world around them because they got showed up by some "uneducated" person. The other one is quite simply just to show that there is a good reason why you see me swaying heavily from time to time that chip sits on my shoulder with good reason......

To hell and back, ramblings of an indignant egomanical prick

So its March all ready which means 4 more lease payments and the ongoing task of finding somewhere that I feel like I belong. I've started to realize that I make things way more difficult then they have to be so when I get back to the starting point I feel like I really accomplished something. The thought of just getting a map a blindfold and dart and just saying fuck it sound so appealing, last time I checked there is work for an overly intelligent asshole throughout the country. I can finally say with certainty that you can't run from yourself or your past but I'm just glad I got a head start on my shit bag cousins that try and bring me back into "the game". What part of I would love to but some shithead kid calls me dad is so hard to comprehend? Tired of rambling for the night. I go left, you go right, now leave me the fuck alone? Got it? Now do it.

Ingredients of an arrogant asshole

First add in part of Carl Jung
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

The 2nd ingredient is http://www.personalitypage.com/high-level.html

And for the record I'm an INJF otherwise known as a Introverted Intuition with Extraverted Feeling aka weird emo pussy that trusts his judgements to a fault. Take this and let me know how it goes.

So I've been thinking about this a lot today and as far as I'm concerned there is a very fine line between growing up and regressing. Think of it this way whether what you are doing is wrong or right, good or bad, forwards or back your taking from it, learning, processing. "The male doesn't age as we think. In fact, he doesn't age at all. He assimilates, placates and slows, accepts the reality around him and plays what he's told to play. But just a little bit deeper, a scratch below the mask, he's eighteen-to-thirty forever, and every now and again, in the right combination of circumstances, with the right mix of triggers or enticements, that selfish, single minded monkey will break out and escape the cage." Thanks to http://www.philalawyer.net/ for the quote.

"killing lonliness" by him

Memories, sharp as daggers
Pierce into the flesh of today
Suicide of love took away all that matters
And buried the remains in an unmarked grave in your heart

With the venomous kiss you gave me
I'm killing loneliness (Killing loneliness)
With the warmth of your arms you saved me,
Oh, I'm killing loneliness with you
I'm killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb
I'm killing loneliness

Nailed to the cross, together
As solitude begs us to stay
Disappear in the lie forever
And denounce the power of death over our souls and secret words are said to start a war

With the venomous kiss you gave me
I'm killing loneliness (Killing loneliness)
With the warmth of your arms you saved me,
Oh, I'm killing loneliness with you
I'm killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb
I'm killing loneliness

Killing loneliness

With the venomous kiss you gave me
I'm killing loneliness (Killing loneliness)
With the warmth of your arms you saved me

a different way......

I've decided that the best way to judge people is how animal react to you. It occurred to me on my nice leisurely walk up Lincoln ave. Earlier after I watched a squirrel just hanging out I got within two or three feet of it and he just kept sitting there, paying attention to me but not afraid. Not even a little bit. After that happened i realized that there are people that animals just dislike, fear, or hate. These people end up sucking 90 percent of the time so from here on out I'm just going to be the weird guy watching if animals scurry away in your presence, ignore you, or tentatively watch your every move.

My legacy my curse get the bail money ready, I aint joking

So I've been thinking all day after watching clips of Geraldo or it may have been his moustache actually doing the talking but he actually equated a bunch of people protesting for the 9/11 truth movement to a bunch of "homosexuals that want to solicit sex in bathrooms". Believe what you want about 9/11 I'm not even here to argue that but for some reason he sent me off on a rant today about what I can do to make my mark on the world and I figured it out. I'm going to punch any celebrity that is deemed a douche. So if this comes to fruition here's a list of people that will be cold cocked if I ever see you in person. (It will probably end up making you soul sucking scum fucks more famous but it will let me sleep in good conscience knowing I did what so many people want to do!) So getting back to the task at hand here's a quick list off the top of my head that if I get the chance WILL be ASSAULTED VIOLENTLY WITH OUT REMORSE.
1. Geraldo Rivera
2. Kid rock
3. Brett Michaels
4. Carson Daly
5. Jay Leno
6. Any reality TV star minus Mike Rowe and Les Stroud that I actually recognize(I'm gunning for you, VH1 parasites)
7. Kanye West(The voice of who's generation you egomanical sucker of Satan's cock?)
8. Tom Cruise
9. 3 doors down (all of em. Seriously.)
10. Akon
11. Brody jenner( Seriously he gets special attention and I will rip off his dick and make him choke on it.)
12. Any Hilton
13. Any Kardashian(Why are you whores famous? Because daddy's rich?)
That's all I can do right now with out getting too angry about this. I'm dead serious if people agree to bail me out whenever I get a chance to pop one of these fuckers I'd start tomorrow, along with posting my charges I will also write up a hotel style review of each jail that I end up in over this, and of course you get to claim association with the crazy asshole that finally just starting doing it. Here's to assault charges and trying to break the cycle of shit we are fed every day.

weird thoughts on a weird night

Lately I've been having a recurring dream. It's so fucking weird I went almost twenty four years without this happening and all the sudden I go to sleep knowing what I'm going to end up dreaming about? Its so hard to try and put into words as I sit here trying to type it out my mind just goes blank. I pull into my completely stereotypical "American dream" house's driveway complete with white picket fence, perfectly kept grass, yellow lab running in the yard, my son is playing with the dog and everything seems so normal and happy, right? Here's where it gets weird though even in my dream I feel this overwhelming guilt all through it and I even wake up feeling guilty I have no idea what the fuck is with that. Everything is so real and vivid and then I end up wearing this guilt from a stupid dream like chain mail all day just dragging it with me. I always feel irrationally guilty about shit. It's the same reason I can't walk out of a store without buying something. I wish I was a sociopath and just didn't feel anything but instead its the total opposite I know this is going to make me out to be a whiny emo pussy but I just wish I could take a break from caring. It's just so hard being away from him for a month or two at a time then just try and swoop in and be a part time dad? I want to go back home for him but that place is literally decaying before my eyes every time I go there more business's closed their doors, new (empty) mini malls keep popping up, there is literally snow on the ground from October to may, ugh but my son is up there. I want a better life for me and him but it's hard to do from so far away. Is being a depressed loser with no hope up there better then nothing at all? If anyone has a solid answer for my damned human condition feel free to share.