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Friday, April 17, 2009

"I can't save you, I cant even save myself" Check and mate.

Stabbing Westward - Save Yourself Lyrics


I know your life is empty
And you hate to face this world alone
So you're searching for an angel
Someone who can make you whole
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
So just save yourself

I know that you've been damaged
Your soul has suffered such abuse
But I am not your savior
I am just as fucked as you
I am just as fucked as you
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
So just save yourself

Please don't take pity on me
Please don't take pity on me
Please don't take pity on me
Please don't take pity on me

My life has been a nightmare
My soul is fractured to the bone
And if I must be lonely, I think I'd rather be alone
I think I'd rather be alone

You can not save me
You can't even save yourself
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
Save yourself
So just save yourself

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Todays forecast dickish with a chance of drunk

While at work earlier I kept thinking about what my high school basketball coach would yell at me roughly once every other day "Jay! What the fuck are you doing? Why do you only play to the level of your competition?" Of course I turned into a dick about it, how dare he talk to me like that, but alas it's only taken 7 years or so to understand why he was so pissed at me(holy fuck I'm gonna be 24 in like 3 months.)

Monday, April 13, 2009

I hate when the apt manager kills with kindness(read from bottom to top)


Hi Jay,

I can assure you that the new ownership and management here at ONE is working diligently to address many of the concerns that you have. The gate system is scheduled to be replaced and upgraded this spring. Due to the weather conditions as of late we are still waiting to get some of the pot holes filled and are just as anxious for it as you are. If you have had any trouble with the maintenance staff please let us know, they are usually able to handle all maintenance requests in a very timely manner.

We believe that switching the utility billing from Conservice to in-house billing was a positive move for residents and we did send out notices and bills last month to all of the residents.

Since I have been here many residents have asked for more community events and that is one of the greatest reasons for throwing the Lincoln Block Party. Rest assured that I have worked hard to find sponsors to keep costs low so that more money can be used for improvements on the property. If there are any additional concerns that you have or if you would like to discuss anything further please let me know. Resident satisfaction is very important to us and I would enjoy the opportunity to sit down with you and find out ways that we could improve. Please feel free to call me anytime on my cell phone at 217-304-2059.

Thank You,

Jeff

Jeff Scott

Marketing Manager

Urbana, IL 61801

one-Illinois.com

217-689-0455

one North

1601 N. Lincoln Ave.

one South

1321 N. Lincoln Ave.


From: jay novak [mailto:jrnovak@live.com]
Sent: Monday, April 13, 2009 1:34 PM
To: jeff@one-illinois.com
Subject: RE: Lincoln Block Party April 16, 5-8pm


So just to be sure that we are on the same page here. Security has been cut, the pools temperature has gone down, the gate still isn't fixed because it would cost too much, theres a giant pot hole on the round about, the maintainence guys are slow, but you are wasting money to bring in shitty mtv celebutrash? I'm glad to see that I get threatened with an eviction notice over forty dollars and fifty two cents but you're willing to waste exhorbanant amounts of money on shit no ones wants/cares/needs.


From: jeff@one-illinois.com
To: jrnovak@live.com
Subject: Lincoln Block Party April 16, 5-8pm
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 2009 11:43:03 -0500

Dear Jason,

ONE is throwing the hottest event in Urbana, The Lincoln Block Party! Come on out to ONE North & ONE South to party with MTV Real Worlders Jenn, Landon and Syrus On April 16 at 5:00. They will be judging this year’s swimsuit competition! Men and women will compete to win hundreds of dollars in gift cards at the ONE North indoor pool, sign up at www.lincolnblockparty.com. Not only can you win hundreds of dollars in gift cards in the swimsuit contest, but you can win $1000 just for showing up!

Mark your calendar for The Lincoln Block Party on April 16 at ONE! Show up at 5:00 pm to win $1,000, compete in the swimsuit competition, and party with MTV Real Worlders! With a live DJ, FREE barbecue and hundreds of dollars in prizes this is one event you cannot afford to miss! Don’t forget to forward this e-mail to your friends!

We look forward to seeing you on April 16!

Jeff Scott

Marketing Manager

ONE

217-337-7500

Monday, April 6, 2009

jamey johnson high cost of living

I was just a normal guy
Life was just a nine to five
With bills and pressure
Piled up to the sky
She never asked
She knew I’d be
Hangin’ with my wilder friends
Looking for some other way to fly

And three days straight was no big feat
Could get by with no food or sleep
And crazy was becoming my new norm

I’d pass out on the bedroom floor
And sleep right through the calm before the storm

My life was just an old routine
Every day the same damn thing
I couldn’t even tell I was alive

I tell you
The high cost of livin’
Ain’t nothing like the cost of livin’ high

That southern Baptist parking lot
Is where I’d go to smoke my pot
Sit there in my pickup truck and pray
Staring at that giant cross
Just reminded me that I was lost
And it just never seemed to point the way

As soon as Jesus turned his back
I find my way across the track
Lookin’ just to score . . . another deal
With my back against that damn eight ball
I didn’t have to think or talk . . . or feel

My life was just an old routine
Every day the same damn thing
I couldn’t even tell I was alive

I tell you
The high cost of livin’
Ain’t nothing like the cost of livin’ high

My whole life went through my head
Layin’ in that motel bed
Watchin’ as the cops kicked in the door

I had a job and a piece of land
My sweet wife was my best friend
But I traded that for cocaine and a whore

With my new found sobriety
I’ve got the time to sit and think
Of all the things I had . . . and threw away

This prison is much colder than
That one that I was locked up in just yesterday

My life is just an old routine
Every day the same damn thing
Hell I can’t even tell if I’m alive

I tell you
The high cost of livin’
Ain’t nothing like the cost of livin’ high

I tell you
The high cost of livin’
Ain’t nothing like the cost of livin’ high

Heavy is the head that wears the crown

This past weekend was enough to make me realize that crawling into my hermit hole of solitude only works when people decide not to push through the barrier and distance that I've tried to put up. I miss hanging out with my two very first roommates from when i was 17. Nothing like reminiscing about coming home from school and finding one of my room mates passed out cold with a trail of wadded up paper toweling and glade cans leading to his passed out ass. Or people getting pissed off that if my dog wanted to sit at the kitchen table with us while we drank that meant that anyone not living there had to give up a seat to a mutt. I miss mystery stew, seeing massive beeramids of old mil cans stacked up getting ready to get returned to the store for more, one of my all time favorite memories is bless nicks soul but the one time the lazy motherfucker decides to clean the place he wiped off the footprints that were on the ceiling from doing keg stands so we hoisted little Luke upside down and made him walk on the ceiling to even it out. I miss botched jello shots that had too much booze to set so we ended up drinking it anyways even if it tasted like cough syrup that was poured out of a boot.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

overcooked macaroni is going to be what makes me take a falling down style exit off of this planet

I've just been fucking dog tired lately, much like the rest of my life i quit paying attention for five minutes and my macaroni has gone to shit, fuck ameren in the A the least they could've done was contact ME and tell me they like working in the rain as much as I do, upon finding out I'm going back to hell thursday through sunday I've decided that putting my liver through a training camp that would make ricky hatton proud was the best course of action, I'm so tired of people assuming they know how I'm gonna react to shit, I'm tired of getting compared to my dad, and fuck random run on sentences. And im done.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

pain diversion coming from a man i worship

I won't highlight shit. Theres no need. Look read. Do it again with some self awareness.


The question:


What kills your sense of trust is when you let someone into your life far enough that you believe that they do indeed have your best interests in mind, and then they turn around and fuck your asshole raw with your own kindness, goodwill and good intentions. That's what makes a man bitter and mean.


My answer:
You know how to protect against this:

See people for who they are, not who you want them to be. See a relationship for what it is, not what you want it to be.

This is a very difficult skill to learn, but until you learn this, you will probably never find someone who you are able to have a good relationship with.

When you are with someone, you need to make conscious evaluations of who they are, how they act in relation to you, what they are like, how they treat you, what you are looking for, etc. You need to be precise and almost harsh about how you evaluate them, and be honest, at the very least with yourself, and see them exactly as they are. Literally ask yourself: Where is this relationship going, and where do I want it to go? What does this person think of me and how does this compare to what I want from the relationship? Things like that.

Stupid people say that love is blind. Those people get used.

Smart people realize that love, on a basic level, is a calculation. They have good relationships.

This DOES NOT mean that attraction is a mathematical calculation or something like that. Far from it. But you must measure and understand your RELATIONSHIP to someone, and make the calculations about that upfront and conscious, instead of subconscious.

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Follow-up question:
I agree with everything you said, and differ to your expertise in the "game". That being said, the last part about what does this person think of me, how do you determine what another thinks of you? Is there some way to realize this? I ask this in all seriousness, because if you can point this out. It would spare a lot of people the whole hindsight is 20/20 thing. The rest of this, is pure gold and people had better be taking notes.


My answer:
Absolutely.

There are two time-tested and very effective ways to judge how a person feels about you:

1. Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior: What people have done in the past is probably how they will act in the future. Not always, and be careful, because guys especially do mature, but maturation is different than a wholesale personality shift. No one changes substantially over s short period of time. Personality maturation is a glacial process.

2. Actions are the true windows into the soul: Pay attention to how people treat you, and not just in the beginning, fun, chase part of the relationship. If a guy treats you like shit, DO NOT be surprised when he fucks your friend. If a girl doesn't return you calls, DO NOT be surprised when she fucks someother guy. People are how they act; watch them and learn who they truly are.

People--it really is this simple. Not everyone is like me and will tell you they are a jerk and show you a website with proof, but if you just stop and objectively and critically look at them, you can find the same information.

Another follow-up:
This is the smartest thing you've ever written, but I think it's the hardest thing ever to actually do. This is why you will have a wonderful and happy relationship someday when you want to and most people will keep putting themselves in the same relationship over and over with different people. I've never learned how to let go of someone that I love, even if the relationship was not making me happy. It's too painful. Do you think this is a girl thing or just an insecurity thing or both?


My answer:
People cannot let love go, even when it's bad, for many reasons. I don't even know if I can list them because I don't know them all. But here are the three main ones:

-Security: This is especially true with women. A relationship and love, even if it sucks, is often seen as better than nothing at all. This is an extraordinarily strong reason, and many people will continue in a relationship long after it's over, simply because of inertia and security.

-Pain aversion: Most people will avoid pain now, even at the cost of increased pain later. It takes intelligence, discipline and maturity to take a hit now to avoid a harder one later.

-Fear of the unknown: People fear the unknown and fear being alone. The devil you know is better than the devil you don't know, and people are often unsure if they can do better or if they will ever have that sort of thing again, so they cling to it.

Originally Posted by graffin226
I love her to death, but I always have the fear in the back of my head that she's gonna do the same to me. Is this justified? Is there any way to overcome said fear? Any other advice?
Is it justified? Well what the fuck do you think?

You have one of two options: You can either believe that you are so amazing and that the two of you are such great soulmates that nothing could keep you apart, not even her being in a relationship when you met...or you can open your fucking eyes and realize that you are dating a cheating whore who lied to her ex and fucked around on him behind his back, and will almost certainly do the same thing to you.

People are who they are. I can tell you for a fact that she is a cheating whore. How do I know this? LOOK AT WHAT SHE JUST DID.

I will never understand why men fall in love with whores. I just don't get it. I like whores for what they are: cum dumpsters. If you are going to fall in love, first find someone worthy of being loved.

It's not even the fact that she liked you more than him; it happens sometimes that people fall in love with someone else when they are in a relationship. But she should have just got out before she started fucking you. Breaking up is very easy, but it takes a special kind of whore to cheat, especially for TWO MONTHS.

Think about it dude--this girl was fucking two guys at once, and telling both that she loved them. What does that sound like to you? The fact that she was fucking multiple guys at once is not even the issue at all, its that she LIED to her self-proclaimed boyfriend, and took your sperm home to him. I defy anyone to label her anything except a cheating whore.

You can believe anything you want about her, but I'll tell you what my grandfather told me when I was 4 or 5 and pouting about something that I thought was unfair:

"Whether you believe in gravity or not, when you fall, you hit the ground the same way everyone else does."

I know I am standing on the shoulders of giants I really do. But holy fuck look, listen and get this. Please for the love of god?



Thursday, March 26, 2009

And if my aunt had a dick she'd be my uncle

I hate days like this. I'm really starting to think I very may well have the worst case of seasonal affective disorder to go along with everything else. I'm getting jewed out of my raise, my optional insurance, and god know what else thanks to the economy. So where exactly is my ambition to go back to work for 12 on 2 off you ask? There is absolutely none other then to scrimp and squirrel and save to get the fuck going again in August. Yeah fuck this next Friday I'm hopping on amazon and getting some cramp ons and a new climbing belt. I will really try to do tree service again here so I have a marketable skill thats still fresh on my applications. I'm so tired of having a specialized skill and being a bitch about it because I dont want to do it anymore. Well you know what? Fuck it I'm the best at it it pays good and barring storms I at least get weekends off. So much to say and not enough ambition to say it. I start a side job tommorow where I am getting paid fourteen an hour doing guess what? Tree service. The moneys good the hours aren't too shabby and give me ten years i swear to god I will have figured out how to finance a truck, chipper, stump grinder, and a lift. Thats it I'm fucking just going balls out with this. This is my most realistic option at getting to where I want to be so its time to quit being a pussy quit talking about it and just do it. This will be my big fuck you to everyone that tells me that "your so smart why are you wasting it." Time and money time and money baby.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Disarm you with a smile And leave you like they left me here To wither in denial The bitterness of one who's left alone

Instead of bitching about my wrongs of the past week whether real or perceived I've decided to throw out a few quotes and see if anyone decodes them instead

"
Every one's two different people. We all have elastic codes, adjustable moral compasses and our dirty, instinctual vices. The surface is just a veneer, masking a conflicted core. At any given moment, composed as we might appear, we're all just a half fifth of whiskey, a few nitrous balloons and a congenitally weak bladder from finding ourselves..." philalawyer

"Its about chopping off
somebody's arms.. The reason I wrote Disarm was because, I didn't have the guts to kill my parents, so I thought I'd get back at them through song. And rather then have an angry, angry, angry violent song I'd thought I'd write something beautiful and make them realize what tender feelings I have in my heart, and make them feel really bad for treating me like shit. Disarm's hard to talk about because people will say to me 'I listen to that song and I can't figure out what it's about.' It's like about things that are beyond words. I think you can conjure up images and put together phrases, but it's a feeling beyond words and for me it has a lot to do with like a sense of loss. Being an adult and looking back and romanticizing a childhood that never happened or went by so quickly in a naive state that you miss it." Billy Corrigan lead singer of the smashing pumpkins

"When we are green, still half-created, we believe that our dreams are rights, that the world is disposed to act in our best interests, and that falling and dying are for quitters. We live on the innocent and monstrous assurance that we alone, of all the people ever born, have a special arrangement whereby we will be allowed to stay green forever"
This Boy's Life
Tobias Wolff

Lt. Green: [about Bobby Mercer] It's been a long time since anybody's seen that face around here.
Detective Fowler: Must've gotten off for good behavior.
Lt. Green: Not likely. That's Bobby Mercer. Heavyweight champion fuck-up of the family. And that's a well defended title. Would've made his daddy proud, if he'd ever had one. I used to know him a little. Played hockey with the boy. Got thrown outta 60 odd games before the league had finally had enough of him. They called him the Michigan Mauler. Four brothers

"Juliet the dice were loaded from the start
And I bet and you exploded in my heart
And I forget the movie song
When you wanna realise it was just that the time was wrong juliet ?

Come up on differents streets they both were streets of shame
Both dirty both mean yes and the dream was just the same
And I dreamed your dream for you and your dream is real
How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals ? " dire straits romeo and juliet

"Walk blindly to the light and reach out for his hand
Don't ask any questions and don't try to understand
Open up your mind and then open up your heart
And you will see that you and me aren't very far apart

'Cause I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way" blessed union of souls i believe

Monday, March 23, 2009

above the below and below the upper

I don't know why everyone is trying to be an emo pussy about my life now. just think of me as life's little exigent circumstances. Wanna rub my vag better now? Theres no turning back now, not in 18 beers not in a million. I really hope you like where sleeping dogs lie blah blah blah. It was a big game till you you got my son involved and theres no amount of booze, anger, wanting to beat you that will ever take that away. So I guess congrats on your rapid descent into i wish i would've fucked you and moved on whoredom, enjoy you your ranking you don't even deserve better. Seriously give or take about a hundred thousand blow jobs and kissing deke after a million tooth brushings but beyond that apologizing to deke face to face I guess this is how it ends. "Haha fucker you got me" Yeah you got me.