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Friday, December 26, 2008

An open letter to my teen Sexy time partners

TO M I'm sorry that you have to to admit to everyone that you lost your virginity to me in the back of a bad ass olds 88. I'm not really sorry but you should be.

To S So you were in my satellite class senior year of high school then we fucked at your roommates Halloween party and she was pissed because I fucked you in her bed and left what was in her words a "fucking nut spunk condom" left on side of her bed. In my defense I'm the most bad ass manimal this worlds ever seen. Common courtesy? Not for me. Little did I know you would have long term consequences.

To S you were my friends little sister you were there, hot, and let me do naughty things whenever I felt like. God bless your oversexed heart.

To Dirty Drew You were hot"ish", did you know you ended up with the name of rock behind your back? Me and my friends gave it to you, because you had the common sense of a box of them. I most vividly remember having sex in my apartment and every time I just kept thinking about how I wanted to drape my giant nuts over your giant nose to make it look like you were a granny wearing my old skin chandeliers like the bifocals that just sit on your nose.

To D I was drunk, you were easy. You freaked and cried and the only good to come out of it is I realized tears as lube jokes don't go over well after just having relations.

To m. I was a selfish asshole, still am actually but if we ever hump again I promise when I switch lanes into the exit only lane I will use proper signaling instead of listening to another banshee yelp.


  1. I'm trying to think of who all these people shoulda just left names....haha.

  2. Haha In thought of that too but I would have to brush up on my knowledge of slander and libel laws.