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Tuesday, March 31, 2009

overcooked macaroni is going to be what makes me take a falling down style exit off of this planet

I've just been fucking dog tired lately, much like the rest of my life i quit paying attention for five minutes and my macaroni has gone to shit, fuck ameren in the A the least they could've done was contact ME and tell me they like working in the rain as much as I do, upon finding out I'm going back to hell thursday through sunday I've decided that putting my liver through a training camp that would make ricky hatton proud was the best course of action, I'm so tired of people assuming they know how I'm gonna react to shit, I'm tired of getting compared to my dad, and fuck random run on sentences. And im done.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

pain diversion coming from a man i worship

I won't highlight shit. Theres no need. Look read. Do it again with some self awareness.

The question:

What kills your sense of trust is when you let someone into your life far enough that you believe that they do indeed have your best interests in mind, and then they turn around and fuck your asshole raw with your own kindness, goodwill and good intentions. That's what makes a man bitter and mean.

My answer:
You know how to protect against this:

See people for who they are, not who you want them to be. See a relationship for what it is, not what you want it to be.

This is a very difficult skill to learn, but until you learn this, you will probably never find someone who you are able to have a good relationship with.

When you are with someone, you need to make conscious evaluations of who they are, how they act in relation to you, what they are like, how they treat you, what you are looking for, etc. You need to be precise and almost harsh about how you evaluate them, and be honest, at the very least with yourself, and see them exactly as they are. Literally ask yourself: Where is this relationship going, and where do I want it to go? What does this person think of me and how does this compare to what I want from the relationship? Things like that.

Stupid people say that love is blind. Those people get used.

Smart people realize that love, on a basic level, is a calculation. They have good relationships.

This DOES NOT mean that attraction is a mathematical calculation or something like that. Far from it. But you must measure and understand your RELATIONSHIP to someone, and make the calculations about that upfront and conscious, instead of subconscious.

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Follow-up question:
I agree with everything you said, and differ to your expertise in the "game". That being said, the last part about what does this person think of me, how do you determine what another thinks of you? Is there some way to realize this? I ask this in all seriousness, because if you can point this out. It would spare a lot of people the whole hindsight is 20/20 thing. The rest of this, is pure gold and people had better be taking notes.

My answer:

There are two time-tested and very effective ways to judge how a person feels about you:

1. Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior: What people have done in the past is probably how they will act in the future. Not always, and be careful, because guys especially do mature, but maturation is different than a wholesale personality shift. No one changes substantially over s short period of time. Personality maturation is a glacial process.

2. Actions are the true windows into the soul: Pay attention to how people treat you, and not just in the beginning, fun, chase part of the relationship. If a guy treats you like shit, DO NOT be surprised when he fucks your friend. If a girl doesn't return you calls, DO NOT be surprised when she fucks someother guy. People are how they act; watch them and learn who they truly are.

People--it really is this simple. Not everyone is like me and will tell you they are a jerk and show you a website with proof, but if you just stop and objectively and critically look at them, you can find the same information.

Another follow-up:
This is the smartest thing you've ever written, but I think it's the hardest thing ever to actually do. This is why you will have a wonderful and happy relationship someday when you want to and most people will keep putting themselves in the same relationship over and over with different people. I've never learned how to let go of someone that I love, even if the relationship was not making me happy. It's too painful. Do you think this is a girl thing or just an insecurity thing or both?

My answer:
People cannot let love go, even when it's bad, for many reasons. I don't even know if I can list them because I don't know them all. But here are the three main ones:

-Security: This is especially true with women. A relationship and love, even if it sucks, is often seen as better than nothing at all. This is an extraordinarily strong reason, and many people will continue in a relationship long after it's over, simply because of inertia and security.

-Pain aversion: Most people will avoid pain now, even at the cost of increased pain later. It takes intelligence, discipline and maturity to take a hit now to avoid a harder one later.

-Fear of the unknown: People fear the unknown and fear being alone. The devil you know is better than the devil you don't know, and people are often unsure if they can do better or if they will ever have that sort of thing again, so they cling to it.

Originally Posted by graffin226
I love her to death, but I always have the fear in the back of my head that she's gonna do the same to me. Is this justified? Is there any way to overcome said fear? Any other advice?
Is it justified? Well what the fuck do you think?

You have one of two options: You can either believe that you are so amazing and that the two of you are such great soulmates that nothing could keep you apart, not even her being in a relationship when you met...or you can open your fucking eyes and realize that you are dating a cheating whore who lied to her ex and fucked around on him behind his back, and will almost certainly do the same thing to you.

People are who they are. I can tell you for a fact that she is a cheating whore. How do I know this? LOOK AT WHAT SHE JUST DID.

I will never understand why men fall in love with whores. I just don't get it. I like whores for what they are: cum dumpsters. If you are going to fall in love, first find someone worthy of being loved.

It's not even the fact that she liked you more than him; it happens sometimes that people fall in love with someone else when they are in a relationship. But she should have just got out before she started fucking you. Breaking up is very easy, but it takes a special kind of whore to cheat, especially for TWO MONTHS.

Think about it dude--this girl was fucking two guys at once, and telling both that she loved them. What does that sound like to you? The fact that she was fucking multiple guys at once is not even the issue at all, its that she LIED to her self-proclaimed boyfriend, and took your sperm home to him. I defy anyone to label her anything except a cheating whore.

You can believe anything you want about her, but I'll tell you what my grandfather told me when I was 4 or 5 and pouting about something that I thought was unfair:

"Whether you believe in gravity or not, when you fall, you hit the ground the same way everyone else does."

I know I am standing on the shoulders of giants I really do. But holy fuck look, listen and get this. Please for the love of god?

Thursday, March 26, 2009

And if my aunt had a dick she'd be my uncle

I hate days like this. I'm really starting to think I very may well have the worst case of seasonal affective disorder to go along with everything else. I'm getting jewed out of my raise, my optional insurance, and god know what else thanks to the economy. So where exactly is my ambition to go back to work for 12 on 2 off you ask? There is absolutely none other then to scrimp and squirrel and save to get the fuck going again in August. Yeah fuck this next Friday I'm hopping on amazon and getting some cramp ons and a new climbing belt. I will really try to do tree service again here so I have a marketable skill thats still fresh on my applications. I'm so tired of having a specialized skill and being a bitch about it because I dont want to do it anymore. Well you know what? Fuck it I'm the best at it it pays good and barring storms I at least get weekends off. So much to say and not enough ambition to say it. I start a side job tommorow where I am getting paid fourteen an hour doing guess what? Tree service. The moneys good the hours aren't too shabby and give me ten years i swear to god I will have figured out how to finance a truck, chipper, stump grinder, and a lift. Thats it I'm fucking just going balls out with this. This is my most realistic option at getting to where I want to be so its time to quit being a pussy quit talking about it and just do it. This will be my big fuck you to everyone that tells me that "your so smart why are you wasting it." Time and money time and money baby.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Disarm you with a smile And leave you like they left me here To wither in denial The bitterness of one who's left alone

Instead of bitching about my wrongs of the past week whether real or perceived I've decided to throw out a few quotes and see if anyone decodes them instead

Every one's two different people. We all have elastic codes, adjustable moral compasses and our dirty, instinctual vices. The surface is just a veneer, masking a conflicted core. At any given moment, composed as we might appear, we're all just a half fifth of whiskey, a few nitrous balloons and a congenitally weak bladder from finding ourselves..." philalawyer

"Its about chopping off
somebody's arms.. The reason I wrote Disarm was because, I didn't have the guts to kill my parents, so I thought I'd get back at them through song. And rather then have an angry, angry, angry violent song I'd thought I'd write something beautiful and make them realize what tender feelings I have in my heart, and make them feel really bad for treating me like shit. Disarm's hard to talk about because people will say to me 'I listen to that song and I can't figure out what it's about.' It's like about things that are beyond words. I think you can conjure up images and put together phrases, but it's a feeling beyond words and for me it has a lot to do with like a sense of loss. Being an adult and looking back and romanticizing a childhood that never happened or went by so quickly in a naive state that you miss it." Billy Corrigan lead singer of the smashing pumpkins

"When we are green, still half-created, we believe that our dreams are rights, that the world is disposed to act in our best interests, and that falling and dying are for quitters. We live on the innocent and monstrous assurance that we alone, of all the people ever born, have a special arrangement whereby we will be allowed to stay green forever"
This Boy's Life
Tobias Wolff

Lt. Green: [about Bobby Mercer] It's been a long time since anybody's seen that face around here.
Detective Fowler: Must've gotten off for good behavior.
Lt. Green: Not likely. That's Bobby Mercer. Heavyweight champion fuck-up of the family. And that's a well defended title. Would've made his daddy proud, if he'd ever had one. I used to know him a little. Played hockey with the boy. Got thrown outta 60 odd games before the league had finally had enough of him. They called him the Michigan Mauler. Four brothers

"Juliet the dice were loaded from the start
And I bet and you exploded in my heart
And I forget the movie song
When you wanna realise it was just that the time was wrong juliet ?

Come up on differents streets they both were streets of shame
Both dirty both mean yes and the dream was just the same
And I dreamed your dream for you and your dream is real
How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals ? " dire straits romeo and juliet

"Walk blindly to the light and reach out for his hand
Don't ask any questions and don't try to understand
Open up your mind and then open up your heart
And you will see that you and me aren't very far apart

'Cause I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way" blessed union of souls i believe

Monday, March 23, 2009

above the below and below the upper

I don't know why everyone is trying to be an emo pussy about my life now. just think of me as life's little exigent circumstances. Wanna rub my vag better now? Theres no turning back now, not in 18 beers not in a million. I really hope you like where sleeping dogs lie blah blah blah. It was a big game till you you got my son involved and theres no amount of booze, anger, wanting to beat you that will ever take that away. So I guess congrats on your rapid descent into i wish i would've fucked you and moved on whoredom, enjoy you your ranking you don't even deserve better. Seriously give or take about a hundred thousand blow jobs and kissing deke after a million tooth brushings but beyond that apologizing to deke face to face I guess this is how it ends. "Haha fucker you got me" Yeah you got me.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

And I'm done. Theres the exit stage right get the fuck out of my life.

I had big plans for our future
Said I'd give you the whole world somehow
I tried makin' good on that promise
Thought I'd be so much further by now
Never could build you a castle
Even though you're the queen of my heart
But I've had the best of intentions from the start

Now some people think I'm a loser
'Cause I seldom get things right
But you make me feel like a winner
When you wrap me in your arms so tight
Please tell me you will remember
No matter how much I do wrong
That I had the best of intentions all along

I gave you a ring
And I promised you things
I always thought we'd do
But my best-laid plans
Slipped right through my hands
To show my love for you
And if you could read my heart
Then you'd know without exception
It was all with the best of intentions

I gave you a ring
And I promised you things
I always thought we'd do
But my best-laid plans
Slipped right through my hands
To show my love for you
And if you could read my heart
Then you'd know without exception
It was all with the best of intentions

So here I am asking forgiveness
And praying that you'll understand
Don't think I take you for granted
Girl, I know just how lucky I am
Though you deserve so much better
You won't find devotion more true
'Cause I've had the best of intentions
Girl, I've had the best of intentions
Yes, I've had the best of intentions loving you

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Ten movies that people are too stupid to really GET

1. fight club
2. American Beauty
3. Lord of war
4. Requiem for a dream
5. Bulworth
6. What dreams may come
7. Natural born killers
8. A beautiful mind
9. American history X
10. Idiocracy

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I got compared to an onion and its not my misshapen head

"you are like an onion with your layers. you're the tough guy, the I'll drink YOU under the table guy, the hey let's get some pizza i got the munchies guy, dad, then underneath EVERYTHING you have this big heart that you have all your layers wrapped around. peel all your damn layers off, and yeah, you're about as intimidating as me after I've been drinking jager all night-- a total cupcake." Apparently that is why im the chick in a relationship? I'm not sure whether to be insulted by this or if its actually one of the nicest most genuine things any ones said about me.

Monday, March 16, 2009


Bitches are fucking nuts. Update right? As I was told today apparently I'm the girl in the relationship. This makes me laugh so hard I can barely contain it. I wish I could deny it... Damn. I like to know whats going on and how people feel about me.. Guilty as charged? Fuck the fuck off I had a witty saying to that but in a bud light and Jameson addled brain I got shit. This is what I get for trying to be a closed off dick? I hate you/love you. You dirty cunt I hope you feel good. Enjoy your bgb or your wanksta. I wanna go break something or fix an engine, beat someone up, fuck a whore, pimp slap someone. 

The road to nowhere leads to me

Some random tidbits today. I fucking hate amazon associate programs that take for fucking ever to get my books here. I'm still trying to figure out why every single mom I come into contact decide they have a crush on me(seeing as how I'm an asshole and a part time dad at best to my own kid.) I got an OZZY song stuck in my head hence the name of the post. My mom is seemingly trying to get me and Molly back together because "I don't care if your sisters have kids or not you and Molly do such a good job of making them I want more from you two." It's one fifteen and my lazy ass hasn't showered yet. I think I got some Jameson left in the freezer maybe I will just catch a tune and watch my neighbors from the porch. "The wreckage of my past keeps haunting me it just wont leave me alone, I still find it all a mystery could it be a dream? The road to nowhere leads to me." What the fuck if I'd have known that I wouldn't be dead now I would've taken better care of my body and tried to you know not break so much shit that randomly gets sore. Everyone has the five year plans and shit and I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do tomorrow

Thursday, March 12, 2009

F the F off

Now that I got both sides of me and the lyrics that best represent that.... I feel much better thank you for not asking. Have you ever wondered if a lot of the people that you love are more a matter of circumstance then growing, accepting middle ground, ageing , all that bullshit. Ever wonder if the real reason you love someone is because "oh shit they know me too well now" just hear ( I guess read me out.) The only reason that you "love" someone is because you exposed every shortcoming, every fault, every quirk and your afraid that your just not good enough and now those dirty fuckers can expose you as the fraud that you are? I hate to be the bearer of bad news (aka common sense) every relationship that you ever had is going to end on a bad note somewhere. Sad but true. Here's the trick though,  make sure the ones you are dumb enough to expose yourself to are worth your time. 

the yang to the colin hay lyrics

blood for blood some kind of hate lyrics

There's no way out.

I got some kind of hate,
I got some kind of hate,
I got some kind of hate and I hate the whole human race.

I got some kind of hate,
I got some kind of hate,
I got some kind of hate and I hate the mother fucking human race.

So let's go...

Y'know I got some bad ideas burning deep in my black heart.
Well, evil is as evil's gonna do now
Y'know I try to do my part. .. HA HA!
And I'm a time bomb tickin'... BOOM!
I been tickin' to the sounds of the rock and roll... OH NO!
I think I'm gonna explode... OH NO!

You call me anti-social, well you're fucking right!
'Cause I hate this goddamned world and everything in sight
and every one in sight.
You call me anti-social, well you're fucking right!
'Cause I hate this mother fucking world and every mother fucker in sight!

I got some kind of hate for the human race.
I never found a place in the human race...
Maybe it's too late for the human race.
I never found a place in the human race...

Sometimes I wish I could just turn my back and run.
Just turn my back and run away.
Sometimes I feel like I just gotta gotta get a gun
and reach the top of the world my own way...

A scratch below the mask

Everything used to come so easily for me, never had to wonder am I doing the right thing it just was what it was and it was AWESOME. Now every step forward, back (*2) I am always questioning my motives. Where is the gray area if you do the right thing for the wrong reasons? I'm tired of people expecting shit out of me, especially when its from people that know me well. Why exactly are you trying to set the bar for how I should act? Wheres that gotten you in the past? Failure? How much of this can really get chalked up to angst anymore? I made my life and for better or worse I have begun to settle for less and that is the scariest thought imaginable in my life. Blah blah random angry(ish) typing "Its perfectly fine to be real real pissed off about what has happened to you. I was real real pissed off at a lot of things that have happened to me. If you need to rant about it, go rant about it. Allow yourself to feel the emotion, let it pass, and then re-center yourself.

But do not do two things:

1. Think anyone else cares

2. Be obsessed with it to the point where it consumes you

I am not saying to bury your emotions. Feel them. But once you have felt them, let them go, and focus on the most important question, "What now?"

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

30 packs of keystone light and 3 channels on a clear day. Insights on my weirdness

Me and the room mate got in a conversation the other day about people never really connect the dots about the way they ended up. Now granted the following can only account for so much but anyways back on point. When I was a little ass kid maybe 6 or 7 my parents decided that the best thing to do was to buy a camp and go out there along with my older sister(the younger one had yet to be thought of) and watch my parents drink themselves into a fight every weekend and sometimes starting on Thursday night if we were lucky. As funny as that is that is just background. Now here's the funny part amidst a shit storm that was my adolescence came a voracious appetite for reading. Where did that come from you ask? Well that winter was a bitterly cold one even for the tundra with highs in December hovering somewhere south of wanting a good buckshot mouth rinse. So with the options of watching ABC, PBS, or if it was clear out also having the chance to watch CBC or watch my parents get drunk I read. Anything around me. Readers digest at first. Now it's nothing for me to have 1,2,3 books in various levels of being read cover to cover. I guess the point I'm making is two fold. Regardless of how bad you think your parents fucked you up it is your job to deal with that and want to do better, the second is simply that life is beautiful for all the shit that you have to take in and deal with and compartmentalize sometimes all you need is a hammock and a radio to make it better. Point being life is beautiful all the way through instead of dwelling start finding beauty in negative spaces.

Apparently in the rules of fight club they forgot to mention the one about tard brawling

Something something (clap clap) deep in the heart of Texas. Any state that has a long list of accomplishments that include but are not limited to retard fight club, David Koresh, capital punishment of retarded people etc. Cant be that bad right? And for anyone that hasn't gotten their daily dose of missing blond haired Caucasian updates apparently Haleigh's dad is getting married to a 17 year old! Hooray just like so many others it will be only a matter of time before its revealed that mommy chopped her up and threw her in the woods like so many others so why try and hold the suspense? We've seen it played it too many times before.

Beautiful world colin hay

My my my it’s a beautiful world
I like swimming in the sea
I like to go out beyond the white breakers
Where a man can still be free (or a woman if you are one)
I like swimming in the sea.

My my my it’s a beautiful world
I like drinking Irish tea
With a little bit of lapsang souchong
I like making my own tea.

My my my it’s a beautiful world
I like driving in my car
Roll the top down sometimes I travel quite far
Drive to the ocean stare up at the stars
I like driving in my car

All around is anger automatic guns
It’s death in large numbers no respect for women or our little ones
I tried talking to Jesus but He just put me on hold
Said He’d been swamped by calls this week
And He couldn’t shake His cold

And still this emptiness persists
Perhaps this is as good as it gets
When you’ve given up the drink and those nasty cigarettes
Now I leave the party early at least with no regrets
I watch the sun as it comes up I watch it as it sets
Yeah this is as good as it gets.

My my my it’s a beautiful world
I like sleeping with Marie
She is one sexy girl full of mystery
She says she doesn’t love me but she likes my company
For now that’s good enough for me

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Hey you, give me my life back

Odd, tumultuous, shaky, hostile. These are the words that best describe every relationship I have with a VAG at the moment. I love how for the past few years it seems I've been every girl I dated little fix it project. Now all the sudden holy shit he's matured? Can hide the chip on his shoulder? Is compassionate? What the fuck happened? Here's the kicker nothing at all has changed. Not one iota, unless you count hair starting to pop up in odd(er) spots. I didn't mature. Maturing is for fucking mutual funds not this manimal. The only difference between now and then is I became now say it with me kids. Learn it love it use it . There is no Morocco, there is no me coming back to the UP, there is no more wondering "what if". Like I said the other night the biggest fuck you I can possibly give to an ex is to show how awesome of a person I became in the mean time and it was your loss not mine.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Hello? Can you hear me? Am I getting through to you?

I never understood why girls always got pissed off at me for living in my head. Even if the logic is skewed it's led me to where am I which is where I am supposed to be(I think.)

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Pocket full of dreams

So when I was sitting at the local mental health center yesterday I had a hot girl sitting there blatantly eye fucking me which was great for my self esteem, I really enjoy it when a hot girl sits there and eyes me up like a piece of meat. But, there is always a but, and this one is kind of a biggie think about where I was at when this happened. God knows I have a hard enough time to maintain a healthy relationship all on my own so lets just start trying to pick up other crazies at a MENTAL HEALTH CENTER. As funny of a story as it might have been sometimes a passing thought about it is the right way to go. Trying to pick up chicks at a mental health clinic is one small step above going to hang out at an incest survivor groups with a pocket full of rubbers.

Monday, March 2, 2009

But Jay, your the mechanically inclined one

That is such a fuckin cop out the only reason that statement holds any weight is much like everything else about my life. I do things to occupy my time and to amuse me nothing more, it's why I read books constantly, jack off, watch movies, watch cnn, creep around people blogs. Jesus, everything is done with one of two thoughts in mind. Making myself more well rounded, it makes other people want to learn more about the world around them because they got showed up by some "uneducated" person. The other one is quite simply just to show that there is a good reason why you see me swaying heavily from time to time that chip sits on my shoulder with good reason......

Sunday, March 1, 2009

To hell and back, ramblings of an indignant egomanical prick

So its March all ready which means 4 more lease payments and the ongoing task of finding somewhere that I feel like I belong. I've started to realize that I make things way more difficult then they have to be so when I get back to the starting point I feel like I really accomplished something. The thought of just getting a map a blindfold and dart and just saying fuck it sound so appealing, last time I checked there is work for an overly intelligent asshole throughout the country. I can finally say with certainty that you can't run from yourself or your past but I'm just glad I got a head start on my shit bag cousins that try and bring me back into "the game". What part of I would love to but some shithead kid calls me dad is so hard to comprehend? Tired of rambling for the night. I go left, you go right, now leave me the fuck alone? Got it? Now do it.