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Friday, December 26, 2008

An open letter to my teen Sexy time partners

TO M I'm sorry that you have to to admit to everyone that you lost your virginity to me in the back of a bad ass olds 88. I'm not really sorry but you should be.

To S So you were in my satellite class senior year of high school then we fucked at your roommates Halloween party and she was pissed because I fucked you in her bed and left what was in her words a "fucking nut spunk condom" left on side of her bed. In my defense I'm the most bad ass manimal this worlds ever seen. Common courtesy? Not for me. Little did I know you would have long term consequences.

To S you were my friends little sister you were there, hot, and let me do naughty things whenever I felt like. God bless your oversexed heart.

To Dirty Drew You were hot"ish", did you know you ended up with the name of rock behind your back? Me and my friends gave it to you, because you had the common sense of a box of them. I most vividly remember having sex in my apartment and every time I just kept thinking about how I wanted to drape my giant nuts over your giant nose to make it look like you were a granny wearing my old skin chandeliers like the bifocals that just sit on your nose.

To D I was drunk, you were easy. You freaked and cried and the only good to come out of it is I realized tears as lube jokes don't go over well after just having relations.

To m. I was a selfish asshole, still am actually but if we ever hump again I promise when I switch lanes into the exit only lane I will use proper signaling instead of listening to another banshee yelp.

A lesson learned

Earlier while talking with my state appointed mental health counselor we had this exchange that left him speechless and possibly wondering about me as a human. "So Jay do you have any deviant thoughts?" "No not really, but the dead hooker bound and gagged in my closet might want to argue that". Cue uncomfortable silence from him while he waits for me to say I was joking. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Finally he just looks away hides his look of disgust and continues with the questions. I wonder why I have strained relationships with most "normies".

merry xmas bitches

After my last post I thought this was pretty fitting to get everyone into "holiday cheer" mode.

Well ho ho ho santa was here

So if that's what Christmas is supposed to be about I think jesus might be a little pissed. What the fuck could that girl have done in 8 years that god hated her so much that he let "Santa" shoot her in the face and live? That should fuel you godless heathens for a week or two. Fuck it makes me question my faith, either that or that little girl was an asswipe and didn't listen to her parents. Let this be a lesson to all the children, Santa don't just put you in the naughty list anymore, he's pissed, and packing heat. The worse your behavior determines where you get shot, if that little girl was less of a bitch she would've been knee capped. God I hope theres an action movie based on this.
Thanks to Kodeine's blog for sharing that little news story with me.