Whoring

I just realized I am a unique character I'm what would happen if quaqmire, the "cool uncle" in your family, tommy lee and a rhodes scholar had an orgy baby. So if you need someone to entertain you my services are now on the table. Need someone pissed off? Need a self esteem boost? Drinking buddy? Confidante? Need someone to argue why John Wayne Gacy is the coolest person to come out of Illinois? Need an arch nemesis? I can do all this and much more.( Fees negotiable, coors lights would probably be sufficient)

I'm so fucking broke

I'm so broke right now I am going to donate plasma on Tueday. Anyone have any idea about the what the payment is cash or check? Anyways here hoping that donating plasma quickly turns into a sweet porn. Bow chicka bow bow

yeah I have too much free time, fuck you

There is so much awesomeness here that I dont even know where to start. It just makes me insanely jealous that every time I try and grow one out it just ends up a pussy, wispy, molestouche
http://americanmustacheinstitute.org/

amauters night

Fuck going out seriously, I'm not opposed to getting drunk and having a good time, I'm really not. What I am opposed to is trying to swim through the sea of douche that includes but is not limited to the following popped collar bros, soroistutes, the I'm totally wasted after a shot of apple pucker guys, etc. Whatever me, my coors light, south park, and a sweet chunk of grilled salmon have a date I'm out.

Whatever illegal wetback that stole my social security number to wash dishes in chicago, your an asshole and fucking up my unemployment. I bet the reason you didn't full on steal my identity is because your retarded amd are just using my number either that or my credit was shot before hand and you cant really get anything with it anyways. My delusional self likes to think its A and not B.

attention jason is not a wigger

So Jason was randomly perusing the internet and came across a tupac quote of all that Jason had completely forgot about (nigga) anyways. “We wouldn't ask why a rose that grew from the concrete for having damaged petals, in turn, we would all celebrate its tenacity, we would all love its will to reach the sun, well, we are the roses, this is the concrete and these are my damaged petals, dont ask me why, thank god, and ask me how”

well....

Since it's after midnight and Jason is going to see if he can narrate his life in the 3rd person for an entire 24 period. Now don't get the wrong idea Jason knows exactly how annoying this is going to be for all the people around him, what you have to remember is Jason is kind an asshole and the more it annoys people the more it is just going to make the dick do it more. Jason's gonna let everyone know tomorrow night how his great plans turn out.

I remember

One time when my parents were fighting like always, my 11 year old self decided I was just as good in the woods as Macgyver. Unfortunately even with better supplies then mac had I barely lasted six hours before my ADD kicked in and I retired to yet another day of them giving me the fuel to be a goofy fuck today. Regardless I heart you macgyver, your mullet and mastery of all things still inspire me to this day. I may just start working on an apedrape today as my homage to you.

very seldom am I at a lost for words. Ladies and gentlemen a charlie brown kwanza

An open letter to my teen Sexy time partners

TO M I'm sorry that you have to to admit to everyone that you lost your virginity to me in the back of a bad ass olds 88. I'm not really sorry but you should be.

To S So you were in my satellite class senior year of high school then we fucked at your roommates Halloween party and she was pissed because I fucked you in her bed and left what was in her words a "fucking nut spunk condom" left on side of her bed. In my defense I'm the most bad ass manimal this worlds ever seen. Common courtesy? Not for me. Little did I know you would have long term consequences.

To S you were my friends little sister you were there, hot, and let me do naughty things whenever I felt like. God bless your oversexed heart.

To Dirty Drew You were hot"ish", did you know you ended up with the name of rock behind your back? Me and my friends gave it to you, because you had the common sense of a box of them. I most vividly remember having sex in my apartment and every time I just kept thinking about how I wanted to drape my giant nuts over your giant nose to make it look like you were a granny wearing my old skin chandeliers like the bifocals that just sit on your nose.

To D I was drunk, you were easy. You freaked and cried and the only good to come out of it is I realized tears as lube jokes don't go over well after just having relations.

To m. I was a selfish asshole, still am actually but if we ever hump again I promise when I switch lanes into the exit only lane I will use proper signaling instead of listening to another banshee yelp.