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Monday, February 23, 2009

weird thoughts on a weird night

Lately I've been having a recurring dream. It's so fucking weird I went almost twenty four years without this happening and all the sudden I go to sleep knowing what I'm going to end up dreaming about? Its so hard to try and put into words as I sit here trying to type it out my mind just goes blank. I pull into my completely stereotypical "American dream" house's driveway complete with white picket fence, perfectly kept grass, yellow lab running in the yard, my son is playing with the dog and everything seems so normal and happy, right? Here's where it gets weird though even in my dream I feel this overwhelming guilt all through it and I even wake up feeling guilty I have no idea what the fuck is with that. Everything is so real and vivid and then I end up wearing this guilt from a stupid dream like chain mail all day just dragging it with me. I always feel irrationally guilty about shit. It's the same reason I can't walk out of a store without buying something. I wish I was a sociopath and just didn't feel anything but instead its the total opposite I know this is going to make me out to be a whiny emo pussy but I just wish I could take a break from caring. It's just so hard being away from him for a month or two at a time then just try and swoop in and be a part time dad? I want to go back home for him but that place is literally decaying before my eyes every time I go there more business's closed their doors, new (empty) mini malls keep popping up, there is literally snow on the ground from October to may, ugh but my son is up there. I want a better life for me and him but it's hard to do from so far away. Is being a depressed loser with no hope up there better then nothing at all? If anyone has a solid answer for my damned human condition feel free to share.

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